ok I'm safe in San Diego, I have been un able to Blog as I return home every evening exhausted, which is unlike me so I have been going straight to bed... but tonight it is way important for me to blog, to let you all know what's been going on.

So God really used the Marriage conference as a tool for His voice last week. I am still dying to old ways of living but I tell you what there is no question as to if the path laid out in front of me is wrong. I know in my heart, I feel it in my head... and God has laid His hand of blessing on a couple of things I (we) have been praying about. I have to learn to be a spiritual leader, a Man who doesn't nessicarly know all the answers but a man who finds the answers, a man who prays for and with and over his (soon to be) wife. I am almost in tears reflecting on the things I have to die to.... and the things that are already gone... God has just been such a huge part of this whole process that things have now made sense and though the road is not easy the trekking is done with a lighter step.

So now ... picture this... a man becoming a spiritual leader of his household... the same man loosing income sources.... the same man who now has to make it official with a ring.... the same man who has made himself operate in such a way that church employment might bring a white jacket with long arms with it...... the same man who has very little resume experience to find a job in the market place... and now the same man who cannot 'provide' for his family.

now you see a glimpse why I must find gainful employment. (it was obvious before but I'm not writing this for you, I am bloging, I am writing what I am going through, open journaling if you will) It is about a ring, but its about so much more, it is about the money but its about so much more, it is about the mental status but its about so much more as well.

yet as Dallas Willard described on page 38 of the study guide to the book"Divine Conspiracy" there are four aspects to life, four circles if you will.... the smallest is Job, being that which brings income. the larger circle encompassing Job is ministry, that which I am currently involved in, this is in the traditional sense of ministry (aka Breakpoint) the third circle encompassing the first two is Work which is like the stuff your life produces... aka, kids, folks you have brought into a relation ship with Christ etc. the main circle bigger than everything else is life. That being who you are, your whole life...

now without being too separationist please take these four circles and see how they work for you... your job is not your ministry... some time people get paid todo their ministry for a season, but should this be? Julie VanderVeen asked why its not the other way around with your life as the core or the center of your focus, and I want you to picture these circles as a target, or a bullseye...

this is not about target practice, this is about seeing your job as the smallest most insignificant part of you... it is still a part of who you are, but it is tiny. Your ministry is always bigger than your job even if you get paid to do ministry, just ask Joel Potter ... he'll say this is true... and then realize that the work the Kingdom building you have been called to do includes the ministry and the job you are involved in but is not limited that... and you are bigger than it all... you are all encompassing....

so lets all together stop telling people what we do when they ask who are you?

just some thoughts from CA... going to the Zoo tomorrow... a bit of a shift in priorities... Becky is more of a priority than this conference... and well frankly the more I invest into Becky the more life becomes better...

hey maybe I can get paid to do that....

he he

love you guys,

Hey all real quick as Becky is here and I want to spend time with her...

those of you married, go to a Family Life Marriage conference, Becky and I went this weekend and though it was tough for me (God had a lot to teach and break in me) it was incredible for us, and we both admit that our relationship would have been different had we not gone to this weekend... Praise God for a teachable spirit in me.

Also we leave in a few hours to head to Emergent, and what a blessing it is going to be,

I hope to post more from there about what God is doing....

after a difficult week last week I am happy to report that things are going well... I am still seeking out a Spiritual Mentor and I covet your prayers in this matter.

peace

ok so here is a sob story... after a difficult week of trying to get on top of life despite being sick and behind in work and community... then yesterday I woke up determined to get some stuff done, determined to go get a job and to find a place for us to meet for the community of Breakpoint... then I noticed my truck's tire was flat... and after two almost three hours of working on the rusted underside of my truck bed in good clothes (I was gonna go get a job) I finally broke off the screw holding the tire in place... got it on and then Discount auto informed me that the wheels were the wrong size... so I had to buy four new ones... man it rides nice.. but that takes a whole day...

and now its Friday... I still don't have a place for us to meet in 9 days and the only thing keeping me from having that place is meeting with folks... which is hard to do when I have a all weekend conference in town tonight, tomorrow and Sunday. then Monday Becky and I fly out to California to have a grand time @ the Emergent convention... yeah not so excited about being gone this week... excited about the trip the opportunities and the like... but wishing it would be a different calendar week.

oh well ... so yeah a little frazzled... I'm gonna go get ready for another interesting day...

thanks for your care.

who wants a job anyways?
who needs a job anyways?
I need money for transportation, food, rent, phone, (utilities), school loan, and misc.
sum total $650/month.
oh yeah and maybe I want to invest some money in my girlfriend... dates might be good.

just my thoughts on my life.

ok so it happened.
Breakpoint and Calvary will officially not be connected after February. In some sense I am sad to see the relationship dissolve and its more than the money that Calvary gives me to live in Breakpoint...

you see a friend of mine John Walis challenges me on the Traditional church and that we need to stay connected with it. That some how Gods grace still works for those under the law of Judaism and that we as Christians should remain connected to the Jews... take this analogy for what its worth but the Trad. church is where God's people are... shouldn't we who see the errors and the problems do something about that within the Trad church.? like if you took all the good people out of the elevator I would not want to be in the elevator... if you take all the leaders the visionaries out of the trad church no one would want to be there...

so anyways despite my thoughts and feelings about that in three weeks Breakpoint will not be officially tied to Calvary and will look on their time @ Calvary as good, and warm .. like an incubator. But its time for us to out grow the incubator and though not in numbers we will have outgrown the incubators ideas if we have not already.

so here I sit, no "job" after February. I know I am not supposed to be worried, and I am not... but as I look at a possible wife, a possible family. As I look at my debts from college and living. as I look at possibly going on a learning adventure for 2004. Should I be concerned, should I do something about money. Should I become bi-vocational? Where do I go from here?

how can I work in a job that I might hate while the whole time I want to be in community with the folks from Breakpoint.

let me tall ya what. This has been a refinery for the crew from Breakpoint, they have linked arms and joined forces, we have our identity and we know we are doing what God has called us to do, the website has exploded which should show you an idea of what is going on in these people's hearts...

and through this all the statement I was saying in Idaho last month, has become a loud shout, a scream in my mind. I am where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing, and going where I am supposed to be going.

now who would not love to be able to say that... I never want to work a job where I cannot say that again.

I know I have not posted here in a while, but I must now, you see tomorrow is a big day for me and for breakpoint, and I know my feelings about all this will be different tomorrow so I want to chronicle this before tomorrow arrives (I really am writing this Sunday late night but oh well!)

You see I have a few options in front of me and I have no Idea currently where I will end up, I know I am where I am supposed to be for today but that doesn't that is where I am supposed to be tomorrow... I have been called a ministry pitbul that through the difficult times at breakpoint when maybe God was saying Paul no, get out that I hung on and didn't go. So then God used a 2x4 and I didn't feel it (still clamped on) and then a holy spirit kick in the nuts (thanks guys from Youth Group) and maybe now I am beginning to understand that my paid position should not be for Breakpoint, and maybe there shouldn't be a paid person ... maybe having a paid person just further promotes selfish feeding in a church, and I must look to my role model my namesake from the bible Paul. He was a tentmaker... I hear now in the ministry trade it is called being bi-vocational. Maybe I need to get a job to feed my habit... that is get a job so that I can stay alive to minister to people at Breakpoint.

And what does that mean, as I strive for a leadership role where people are not attracted to me as the leader, as the pied pyper. Yet I want that, my pride desires to be the man... the savior of my church. So I fight that daily... and I realize that maybe God has uniquely gifted me for this position.

so now I want the position with all my heart... but then am I hanging on to something like a pitbull would hang on to a piece of flesh?

And what job would I get outside of ministry? I have been trained all of my formative years to do ministry and my resume screams Christian and ministry dude. So should I be a youth pastor and do my part in helping the church see what its doing when it separates youth? but then again I have a problem with getting paid to take care of someone else's youth, the money does not ensure their joy in seeing their youth come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

So tomorrow morning I find out what the Search Committee with bring before the Admin Elders and then at 8:30 some folks from Breakpoint will be able to speak to the elders and let them know what they think.... I know Joel and Monica are gonna be there, Josh might and Justin might.. most likely I will be jamming with Jeff, Frankie and Brittney... and the fate of Breakpoint will be decided for us.. at least a decision will be made that we will have to deal with and figure out what to do with it.

all I want to do is be freed up to serve.. I just have loved these last few months of working for Breakpoint and loving on them, it has been difficult to show someone what I do, but yet when I talk to folks in established church ministry they are jealous of what I do, the fact that my job is all about relational... that from the get go there was no office sitting... etc. So what I sometimes see as a curse others are jealous of me.

hopefully in 24 hours I will have good news for you.